saturday, t-minus 13 days

a few days ago i finally started dreaming again. i hadn't been since pete died, which is strange for me because i usually remember at least a couple bits and pieces. so for the past number of nights, i've been remembering them again. it's comforting to me to feel like i'm at least a little bit back to normal because the dreams have returned. i feel like now my mind is allowing me to work things out while i sleep, while before it was protecting me from something that i haven't been ready to deal with.

last night i dreamed about my father and sylvia's house in san diego. they had completely redecorated it, to the point where it was unrecognizable. there were a lot of people staying there, old family friends, relatives, etc. i kept on trying to figure out where i was going to sleep and really didn't know because it looked like every bed was taken. the house itself was beautiful and strange. there was a lot of yellow and green everywhere. my father gave me a tour of the place and finally brought me into a room that they had made just for me. inside of it were all of the things that i had ever made for my parents, or that meant something to them about me. the room was pretty amazing looking. the walls were a periwinkle/powder blue and the accent colors were neon orange. there was a big primitive icon statue in the middle of a huge built in bookcase that was filled to the brim with things and there were multi-colored mardi gras beads hanging everywhere. it's funny actually, some of the most memorable parts of specific dreams lately have been colors. the colors stay with me and i love them.

it's less than two weeks now before i go back to italy. i'm excited to return and to start school again, but the thought of having to leave bill once more is very unappealing. life is so very strange for me right now. i'm so divided right now: between two cities and two languages, between two states of mind, one with my brother constantly and one with the rest of the world. at home with bill i'm married and in italy of course i'm not single but i'm living a single life. what a strange way to be.