i just can't bring myself to come up with titles for these blog posts. not only do i feel without wit, but i feel that it would somehow be unreasonable or inappropriate to be witty. it's really stupid actually.
my brother wasn't necessarily witty in the same way that i am, and that my father is, but he appreciated it. i want to honor his memory by continuing to be myself, but everything feels so jarring right now. every time i go anywhere, i am assaulted by a barrage of images and feelings about him and the future.
i'm confronted by and facing my parents' sadness, but mine is so completely different. pete was supposed to keep me company when they're gone. he was supposed to still be lumbering around like my father and reminiscing with me about times long past. now i can't help but to think about the future without him, a future that is much longer for me than for my parents.
a very close friend came down to visit me yesterday. we spent the day screwing around, eating crab cake sandwiches and shopping in one of my favorite antique malls. walking around in all the stuff made me think of my family stuff. it made me think of all the things that were supposed to be passed down to my brother. those things will now go to bill and to me, and to our son(s).
all of a sudden i find myself worrying about my children, those yet unborn. i want to name my son peter, but is that unfair? is it reasonable to give his name to someone else? is it fair to either of them? or worse, what if i don't have a son? it feels so ridiculous to me to even be thinking about these things right now, but i can't help it.
i'm sure that as time passes, these thoughts will fade into the background; they're front and center at this moment.
2 comments:
you have to go through all this and feel it. when are you coming back? we need to split a bottle of wine and you need to tell me all about your brother. i'm a good listener. xoxo! give me a call when you get back.
What you said of the future growing old with your brother telling stories of younger days really hit home for me. I think it's a huge reason I don't want to have children. I have one brother and can only imagine the loneliness of being an only child. I don't know that I can handle multiple children and can't bare to subject one to the life long loneliness of being the only. Thankfully you are not the only child you have 20+ years of memories to remember and share for the rest of your days and hopefully someday they will keep you company. And you have your new hubb to share all of those wonderful stories with.
I must confess I read your journal randomly a week ago after failing to find boots at the store. I was going to tell you how much that department sucks without you and blahblahblah. But then I saw that there were bigger more important things on your plate than gossip and I didn't know what to say. These things always take me back and I am always at a loss for words. In the large scheme of things they just don't seem to matter. But for what it's worth- I've been thinking of you and your family. I wish you the best and send the biggest hug you can imagine your way.
If you make your way back to this city any time give me a call I'd love to get lunch and hang out for a day.
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